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Consumer rights

Created:
22 August 2008
Written by:
Bernard Jones

SUNDAY 13 JULY: All creatures grate and smell

Today should have been a Friday 13th. Heavy, overcast weather and a grim sense of foreboding. Worse was to come. Toaster conks out at breakfast, so forced to use the grill. Burned four slices of bread (distracted reading Chronic Investor magazine) before finally getting to the last pair before immolation set in. After request from the Windolene Witch, I look again at her washing machine, which leaks more often than MI5. Can't find anything wrong with it, but when Eunice tests it with a heavy load of bedclothes it makes an ominous grinding sound and now it won't work at all. She then sent me to vacuum up my burned crumbs from the kitchen floor. However, our Electrolux, which even normally has only the sucking power of an asthmatic mayfly, gave one giant slurp and died.

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"What's the matter now?" said Eunice, as I started a detailed Anglo-Saxon description of the blasted device.

"The damn thing's just stopped," I said.

"Oh no! Still, it wouldn't have happened, Bernard, if we'd bought a Dyson," she said. "But you're just too tight, aren't you?"

"What do you mean? These retail at nearly £200 don't they?"

"Perhaps. But this one was £130 at Somerfield, in 2006. A bargain, you said. It was on special offer because the box was crushed where it had been dropped. Don't you recall? No wonder Comet, Currys and Dixons sales are in such a state, having to cope with cheapskates like you."

"Well, it's a competitive marketplace, and the supermarkets are muscling their way in," I said, as I began to work on the cleaner's plug. "With any luck it's only the fuse."

"Not with that burning smell, Bernard. It's destined for the Hoover happy hunting grounds, I should think."

"That should be something for the fossil hunters to find in a millennium or two. I mean, we should get David Attenborough over here to catalogue this. With the microwave dying last week, your hair tongs, my electric razor and all this lot today, this has been the greatest mass extinction since the end of the Cretaceous period."

"Ah yes," Eunice replied. "I can see the headline: 'Life on earth to end. Humanity expires. Bernard Jones blamed. Too tight to pay for five billion year extended warranty'. Still, I expect you're going to say it was all caused by a Comet impact."

MONDAY 14 July: Bastille Day massacre

Markets dropped to the floor today faster than Marie-Antoinette's severed head. Everyone says that FTSE's going to drop below 5000 at some stage. It's a shame Peter Edgington has fallen out with us, I could do with his advice at a time like this.

Close of play. Market ended where it started after a failed rally attempt.

TUESDAY 15 JULY: Worse still

Market plunges well below 5200. I feel I should sell something, but what? Only two stocks are doing well, Compass and Dominos Pizza. Should I ditch those before they drop sharply too? Or is it better to sell losers like all the pundits say? I've had Lloyds TSB for years, but I've lost more on the share price than I ever gained from its dividends. I'm tempted to ditch it, but then I might miss out on a recovery. Even oil stocks and miners are looking weak.

Elevenses: An enormous fresh cream eclair, savoured while renovating a branch line on the railway layout in the loft. I'll ignore shares for a while, too depressing.

WEDNESDAY 16 JULY: Share club deserted

HBOS shares, of which KP Sharma was a champion, are well below their rights issue price. Not surprisingly, he doesn't turn up for share club at the Ring O'Bells. Neither does Harry Staines nor Martin Gale. Only Chantelle is here, working behind the bar.

"It's amazing, innit," she says, serving me a pint of Spitfire. "Here we are, with share prices more than 20 per cent cheaper than a year ago, and no one turns up at the club to discuss what bargains to buy. Yet last summer, with sky-high prices we had a full house every time."

"It just shows we don't buy shares like we buy toasters or vacuum cleaners," I said.

Russell Traugh, who overheard our conversation slides up, his nylon trousers whistling with every step. "I can get you more than 20 per cent off a Dyson, if you're interested."

I obviously did look interested, so Russell continued. "It's reconditioned, looks good as new. Ninety quid."

Chantelle looked at us both. "Only those who never have to use a vacuum cleaner themselves would ever buy a cheap one."

"That's settled, then," I chuckled. "I'll take it."

MORE FROM THE SAGE OF SUBURBIA...

Read more of Bernard's musings at his IC home page.

Write to him at bernard.jones@ft.com

You can buy the two Bernard Jones books at a discount in the IC bookstore.

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