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Equitable treatment

Created:
29 August 2008
Written by:
Bernard Jones

THURSDAY 17 JULY: A kiss for Ann

Oh Joy! Finally, Parliamentary Ombudsperson Ann Abraham's Equitable Life report is out! She confirms that we victims have been short-changed by regulators as well as the company. Though I wasn't one of those whose annuities were over-generously guaranteed, when the courts ruled that Equitable Life did have to compensate them, it was my with-profit policy that got ransacked to pay for it. Perhaps now we will finally get some compensation. If so, that woman deserves a kiss.

Close of play: Huge rise on Wall Street. Perhaps the market really is turning around. Feel happier than I have for some time.

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FRIDAY 18 JULY: Death or glory

Market recovering sharply today, including Zotefoams which fell from the 82p I bought it at, hit 75p and is now back unchanged. Good old Nasdog! Maybe I can get the animal to chose more stocks for me. Eunice, however, has other things on her mind.

"Look," she says, showing me the Daily Mail. "The Government is going to spend £286m extending consumer choice, by allowing us to choose how we want to die."

"Hmm. It might be worth that if we could choose how others would die. I'd like the Harmsworth brothers to end their days in a skip lorry reversing accident," I said.

"Health Secretary Alan Johnson didn't make any mention of skips. It's hospice or home. Still, it says you do get an emergency 24-hour team of nurses that can come round to look after you."

"Team of nurses, eh? Well, that would be a good way to go."

Eunice caught me with a basilisk glare. "Bernard, grow up. You can't cope with one woman, yet alone a team."

"It'd probably kill me. That's the point." I said cheerfully.

The stony silence that ensued, reminded me to change the subject to something closer to Eunice's heart.

"I'm going to buy you a Dyson this weekend," I said.

"My goodness. That's a policy U-turn worth of Alastair Darling. Are you unwell?" she asked.

"Well, I thought it was about time to back British-owned talent and industry. James Dyson's a great entrepreneur, and even though he's moved manufacturing to Malaysia, I think we should give him a try. As you say, the quality is better than its rivals."

Eunice paused. "What a fibber. You've got a cheap one, haven't you?"

"Now why do you always think...?"

"Bernard, I know you of old."

"There's no trust in this marriage, is there?" I said.

"Alright. I'll ask no questions, but you've got to do the vacuuming for the first week. If the machine survives a week of your mishandling then I'll know its alright."

SATURDAY 19 JULY: Fairtrade fight

Picked up the Dyson from Russell on the way to the supermarket. Eunice has given me a list that's longer than War and Peace but I plan to do a little editing. I'm switching to Lidl for the basics, and cutting out Waitrose altogether. There'll be hell to pay, no doubt, but if I'm doing the shopping, it'll be my way and at half the price.

On my return, my prediction is borne out.

"Bernard, this isn't Fairtrade coffee. I stipulated Fairtrade."

"This is the same stuff, grown in the same benighted country by the same down-trodden peasants. And it's half the price."

"Bernard, you've become a jack-booted coffee fascist, oppressing the Latin American masses," Eunice said.

"What nonsense," I retorted. "Fairtrade is the just the latest fad in market segmentation. It's a way of gulling emotional housewives into buying off guilt with their food consumption."

"But Fairtrade means the farmers get the extra money."

"In which case, farmers will see the money to be made, you'll get more coffee produced, a greater glut and underlying prices will fall further. You can't repeal the laws of the market, which has always been that farmers are price takers not price makers."

"So you believe in free markets, right or wrong?"

"Of course. There's Milton Friedman and whatisname Hayek coursing through these veins you know." I looked at the groceries spread around on the kitchen table. "So what's for dinner then?"

"Well, I thought I'd make a steak and kidney pie with roast potatoes and cauliflower, with raspberries and meringue after."

"Marvellous. That's what I call fighting food. None of this vegan rubbish. Just good solid British steak and kidney."

"Of course, there's a £10 fee for cooking services."

"What!"

"Free market, Bernard. It's barely minimum wage for the time it will take. Of course, you can always try making it yourself."

MORE FROM THE SAGE OF SUBURBIA...

Read more of Bernard's musings at his IC home page.

Write to him at bernard.jones@ft.com

You can buy the two Bernard Jones books at a discount in the IC bookstore.

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