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Russell wriggling

Created:
5 September 2008
Written by:
Bernard Jones

MONDAY 21 JULY: Vindicated on dominos

Dominos Pizza has done me proud in its annual results. My best-performing share has proved what I always thought, that when you feel like eating out but can't afford it, the next best thing is to order in for a fraction of the price. With the number of new outlets being opened and the limited competition from nationally-known names, I think we can call this the deep-profit Bernard recipe; lots of topping but a good financial base, too. The shares topped 200p for the first time in months.

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TUESDAY 22 JULY: Community service

I have a great idea for teaching young thugs and drunks a lesson. You make them repeatedly vacuum a house under Eunice's nagging supervision. This tortuous form of community service is almost as unbearable as waterboarding. After an hour and a half being told "No, not like that" or "No, no, you're missing great lumps" or "You certainly need more practice with the crevice tool" I was quite ready to admit being Osama Bin Laden's bodyguard, his driver or even his chiropodist.

Worse still is that the 'new' Dyson from Russell Traugh is utterly gutless, having been unable to get moggy fluff off the hall carpet. Its perspex bin was already half full of builder's dust and bits of wood shavings, which Russell said was where he had tested it, but I'm not so sure. First day I almost fell down the stairs when I got the flex caught around my leg, smashed it into my shins trying to get it up the loft ladder to the railways layout room, and covered myself with dust when I opened the bin-thing the wrong way. The whole process so amused Eunice that she invited Daphne Hanson-Hart in to watch. They trailed after me with mugs of coffee and ginger nuts, commenting on my progress.

WEDNESDAY 23 JULY: Massage in a bottle

Martin Gale is jubilant. He borrowed from his sister to buy shares in Persimmon a fortnight ago at 217p, and now they're 350p.

"Time to sell, definitely," said Mike Delaney.

"Get out while you're ahead," said Chantelle. "Especially seeing as you've borrowed the cash."

"Double-up," says Harry. "Sell the shares, put the cash into a long spread-bet on Persimmon and ride 'em to recovery."

"What an incredibly irresponsible piece of advice," said KP Sharma. "I can't think of anything worse..."

"Northern Rock?" retorted Harry.

While KP and Harry descended into their usual bickering, I said to Martin. "Why don't you sell half and run the rest? That's a decent way to hedge your bets."

"I like that," said Martin. "The ones I sell, I'll put the proceeds into Bradford & Bingley. They look worth a punt."

Russell Traugh, leaning at the bar, said. "You lot are crazy. You're digging around in the rubbish that's going to fall again."

"I bet you've lost money in the last year," said Harry.

"No, I'm up," he said. "Look at ASOS and Dignity."

"Didn't you have shares in Corin?" said KP. "They got killed didn't they?" He tapped away at his PC. "That's right. It's down from 500p to 150p after Stryker stopped ordering from it."

"Yeah, but I only had a few," Russell said.

"But you had lots of that Ukrainian farmer didn't you? I don't think they're doing well," KP said.

"I'm in profit from my buy price, but not this year," Russell said. "But I still think I'm way ahead of you lot."

THURSDAY 24 JULY: Massage in a bottle

A whole day to myself. Eunice is going off to Tunbridge Wells all morning and by the time she gets back, I'll be off to share club.

"What was it you said you were doing?" I asked as she was about to leave.

"I'm having an Ayurvedic massage and some ear candling. "What on earth are you on about?"

"Well I got a bit tired of the same old aromatherapy fragrances with Helen, and when I saw Irmgard last week she said that my chakras still seem a little unbalanced. She goes to Tom, who's apparently divine at rebalancing your energy centres. So its my first session with him today."

"What a lot of New Age codswallop. You'll spend a fortune, come back smelling like a Botswanan brothel and be in too much of a trance to feel like cooking my dinner for the next three days.

"With any luck," she said brightly.

"Well," I murmured to myself after the door had slammed shut. "You'd just better check that this Tom fellow isn't a bearded Yugoslav war criminal in disguise. If it's Radovan Karadzic you'll get colonically and ethnically cleansed."

MORE FROM THE SAGE OF SUBURBIA...

Read more of Bernard's musings at his IC home page.

Write to him at bernard.jones@ft.com

You can buy the two Bernard Jones books at a discount in the IC bookstore.

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